Re : Flections

After reading yummy's latest blog entitled "reflections", I remembered my own personality transition. From being a cold and indifferent girl to someone who is tenacious and expressive. Honestly, it took two years for me to transform into a better girlfriend. If we had not broken up, I would never realize how my coldness and indifference would affect the relationship. A few of my high school girlfriends before told me I was a very cold gf, but I did not really mind the comment. Because I thought I was doing ok.

I was just being myself. I was not cold or indifferent to him. I was just shy and afraid of expressing my affection for him. Possibly, I was afraid of losing him if he saw or felt the care I have for him. The courtship he had with me was different compared to what he did with his past relationships. He did court me, the first girl he courted. When we were classmates, I liked him but he never had a clue. I ignored him in class even when we're classmates. I barely talked to him and he never saw me looking or smiling at him (he never caught me staring, actually..lol). When I talked to guy friends, I remember him trying to come near and join the conversation, just for me to notice him existing somewhere in this world. I knew he tried so hard to get my attention. But he didn't have a clue that I have always been attentive to every news about him, that his mere presence distracts me!

I have always believed these are some of the reasons why he did chase after me, even after some times I turned him down. (oh, so that's why I was the one chasing after him after our first and second breakup.. lol.. KARMA.. now, i know..) I have believed that if I continue being always cool, he would stay with me, that he would not leave me like how he left his exes. And so I continued not showing affection, not showing him how much I care about him. I have always been stubborn, cold and "over conservative". It took 3 months or so before I allowed him to hold my hand (What an old fashioned filipina teenager..! lol ) And a century before we kissed.

Patiently, he did stay for a year or two. Until his patience ran out.

And after our first few breakups, I did a lot of chasings.. I realized I should have been a good gf, I could have been one if I have not been stubborn and coward. We had a lot of discussions about it, but I did not listen to how he feels. And so, I had to accept the consequences, and that is losing him.

I did not have the same concerns as yummy. Though her article made me remember a lot of my colorful past. She has mentioned her concern about the drastic changes in her attitude and behavior when she fell in love with Joey. I guess there's nothing wrong with transformations. Change is good. At least you are now aware of the other side of your personality. You don't always have to be the "it" girl. You say you miss the "old" Yummy. But you are still you. There are just changes, but you don't need to be always independent and rational. These changes only show that you are a flexible (not just literally yums, lol) person, versatile... You know how to smoothly adapt to the "love thing situation". It went easy for you to own and admit your feelings, without letting the doubts and worries stop you from expressing yourself.

Lucky you yums, you did not need to lose the guy before the transitions happened. =)

So how did the cold and indifferent girl become tenacious and expressive?

Lots and lots of crying and breaking up experiences.

DON'T FOLLOW MY FOOTSTEPS, GIRLS.. =)